Olympic Skier Jessie Diggins Recalls Eating Disorder ‘Taking Over’ Her Brain, Says ‘I Would’ve Died’ Without Help
· Yahoo Sports
Credit: Maddie Meyer/Getty
NEED TO KNOW
- Cross-country skier Jessie Diggins said her eating disorder began at 18 as she struggled with perfectionism and control
- Her parents enrolled her in treatment after her illness became life-threatening
- The Olympian called recovery harder than winning gold at the 2018 PyeongChang Winter Games
Although she’s the most decorated American cross-country skier, Jessie Diggins says recovering from an eating disorder was actually the hardest thing she’s ever done.
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On Thursday, Oct. 29, the 35-year-old Olympian gave a speech at a mental health advocacy event at Montana State University and reflected on winning her gold medal at the 2018 PyeongChang Winter Games after overcoming an eating disorder as a teen.
“This moment... almost didn’t happen at all,” she said, noting that her struggles with food began at 18 years old. “The speed with which it took over my entire life was terrifying. This need to be perfect and desire to find control in a life that was quickly feeling out of my control manifested in an eating disorder.”
Diggins explained that at the time, eating was a terrifying concept for her. She recalled things escalating after inducing vomiting in a gas station bathroom one day after eating breakfast. From that point, it became a dangerous ritual that she’d do up to five times a day.
Jessie DigginsCredit: Dustin Satloff/U.S. Ski and Snowboard/Getty
“I had found a way to feel nothing,” she said. “To stop hating myself, to stop feeling guilty, to stop worrying about what I had or had not eaten, to feel nothing at all. I used to be a happy, joyful person — I am once again — but in that year of my life I was very unhappy. I truly hated the person that I was becoming, and I could not stop. I showed no compassion for myself.”
Diggins said her illness got so bad that her mother would check on her in the middle of the night to make sure that she was still alive.
“That was the lowest moment of my entire life,” she admitted. “When an eating disorder takes over your brain, it can quickly become more powerful than family, than love, or even the will to live.”
“Without the proper help I would have died,” she added. “Maybe not right away, but in a few months or years, my parents would have been burying their child.”
Jessie DigginsCredit: Kristina Bumphrey/Variety via Getty
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Diggins credited her parents for ultimately saving her life. They enrolled her in The Emily Program, a specialized eating disorder treatment organization that provides outpatient and residential recovery services.
“I was there five days a week, all day long,” she recalled. “Make no mistake, this was a long and hard process, and it is the hardest I have ever worked at anything my entire life, including the Olympics.”
“Winning the Olympics is easy compared to healing your own brain,” she said. “I had to learn that it’s not only okay, but healthy to allow myself to feel the harder emotions.”
If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, The Alliance for Eating Disorders provides a fully-staffed helpline at 1-866-662-1235, as well as free, therapist-led support groups.
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