What Is the ‘Resilience Paradox,’ and What Is It Costing You?
· Vice
I recently watched an eye-opening TikTok video that highlighted how much of society lacks resilience. The user went on to explain some of the horrific trauma and medical conditions she’s endured, all while running a successful, thriving business. It’s clear: her resilience is admirable.
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And while I completely agree that chronic victimhood is a toxic mindset and that resilience is a necessary part of survival, I also believe the conversation is incredibly nuanced. Sometimes, perceived “resilience” is actually self-neglect, and it can cause more harm than good.
I myself have been on both ends of the spectrum: pushing my body too hard in the name of “hustle culture” and ignoring the chronic stress I was under until I developed multiple autoimmune diseases—then burning out completely, feeling overwhelmed by the most minor of inconveniences and unable to function on a basic level.
Needless to say: resilience is crucial, but it doesn’t mean bypassing your own weaknesses and wearing your blind grit as a badge of honor. Rather, it means finding new ways to work with and around them, even if that means slowing down and carving out more time for self-care.
What Is Resilience?
According to the American Psychological Association, resilience is “the process and outcome of successfully adapting to difficult or challenging life experiences, especially through mental, emotional, and behavioral flexibility and adjustment to external and internal demands.”
“We conceptualize resilience as grit, determination, being ‘high functioning’—essentially, being able to keep going under adverse circumstances,” says Dr. Lily Kaufmann, a licensed clinical psychologist specializing in trauma and anxiety.
The American Psychological Association notes that different factors impact an individual’s ability to adapt to adversity. For example, how you view and engage with the world, your access to quality social resources, and your coping strategies all impact your resilience.
Again, as stated earlier, this conversation is nuanced. Though I might struggle with severe OCD and some chronic health issues, I have a supportive family and access to therapy and treatment for my conditions. Not everyone has these privileges. Does that mean they’re doomed to a life of misery and incapable of helping themselves? Of course, not. But it might mean they need even more resilience to get there.
The Resilience Paradox
I used to think that I had to overcome every single fear and phobia in order to be considered “strong” and “resilient.” That is, until the stress nearly killed me.
My entire life, I’ve been praised for how “resilient” I am for managing my debilitating OCD and juggling multiple health issues while also going to college full-time, being the president of multiple writing clubs, simultaneously working unpaid internships and summer jobs, then immediately transitioning into a journalism career, commuting to New York City multiple times per week while also writing a book and attending therapy and freelance-writing on the side and working out five times per week and eating healthy and…
The list goes on, and 31-year-old me is exhausted just thinking about it.
Certainly, you could say this was an incredible display of resilience—but given the fact that I finally reached a breaking point where I started developing daily fevers, chronic hives, weekly panic attacks, and multiple autoimmune diseases, I can’t help but wonder: Did this much grit cause more harm than good? Does taking care of ourselves and temporarily stepping back from work, social obligations, and other stressors really mean we’re not resilient? Or does resilience mean knowing when we’ve hit our limits and giving ourselves the time and space to heal?
In this context, it’s important to acknowledge the resilience paradox.
According to writer Anne-Laure Le Cunff in an article on Big Think, “Psychologist George Bonanno, one of the leading researchers on resilience, has argued that resilience is not a fixed trait but a pattern of regulatory flexibility—the ability to choose different strategies depending on context. The paradox appears when people mistake resilience for a single strategy: enduring and keeping going. This turns resilience into a rigid form of grit.”
In her article, Le Cunff, a neuroscientist and founder of Ness Labs, shared a personal anecdote about how she prided herself on being resilient for years, overworking herself and continuously adapting to challenges. That is, until she developed a blood clot in her arm, which her doctors associated with chronic stress.
“It forced an uncomfortable question,” she wrote. “What if my resilience wasn’t protecting me, but delaying the moment I had to admit something was wrong?”
“While resilience can be adaptive, like most things, it can become detrimental when taken to an extreme,” Dr. Kaufmann tells VICE.com. “This is where the ‘resilience paradox’ comes in. When pushing through becomes the only strategy, our physical and psychological health may begin to suffer.”
Additionally—and unfortunately—it’s sometimes easier for people to empathize with physical health conditions than it is with mental health conditions. For example, an individual with a broken leg likely wouldn’t be asked to walk without their crutches, but a person with a public speaking phobia might be told to “suck it up” and deliver a class presentation—that is, until it becomes a physical health problem when they collapse on the ground after fainting from the anxiety.
Empathy for ourselves and each other goes a long way, and I’d even argue it’s a crucial aspect of resilience. We all have a heartbreaking story to tell; we all have limitations and weaknesses; and we all must be willing to adapt and carry on, no matter our circumstances. But it’s okay—and actually beneficial—to show yourself compassion in the process.
Signs You’re Pushing Yourself Too Far
True resilience is working with, not against, your body. This means knowing your limits while also believing you can rise above adversity. It means holding yourself accountable for adjusting to difficult situations while also acknowledging your restrictions. You don’t need to do, be, or face everything in order to be resilient.
“Resilience looks like staying with a difficult thing when it has mostly beneficial outcomes,” says Dr. Kaufmann. “Examples could include jogging just a little farther, adding a few more reps to your weight lifting session, going to an event even though you’re exhausted because you know you’ll have a good time once you’re there, or taking an hour to study instead of two because you’re mentally spent after a long day of class. Importantly, resilience involves flexibility—it doesn’t have to be all or nothing.”
You shouldn’t have to neglect your needs, dismiss your symptoms, or discount your mental health issues in the name of “resilience.” Resilience isn’t pushing yourself beyond your breaking point.
“Signs that we’re actually pushing ourselves too hard include worsening physical, mental, and/or emotional exhaustion, increasing stress or overwhelm, or exacerbation of an injury or other health condition,” says Dr. Kaufmann. “If it’s getting harder and harder to function over time, it’s time to make an adjustment.”
“Bottom line—is the thing you’re doing helping more than it’s hurting? If yes, that’s resilience,” she continues. “But if the cost is too high, consider scaling back or taking some time for real rest.”
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