Study shows salmon exposed to cocaine swim longer distances... no kidding
· Fox News
To quote the late, great Rick James, "Cocaine's a hell of a drug."
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You probably already knew that, especially if any of you reading this were alive in the 1980s. But are its effects universal?
We know what it can do to and for humans when consumed, but what about animals?
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I'm sure you're probably thinking, "What a dumb question, Austin. Of course it's going to have a similar effect on animals."
Well, as it turns out, you're right. But scientists wanted to be sure anyway, so they tested the effects of the drug out on a group of salmon.
No, that's not a joke, and, no, you didn't suddenly tab over to an Onion article.
According to CBS News, a group of scientists from Australia's Griffith University and the Swedish University of Agricultural Sciences studied how cocaine affected salmon and their swimming habits, and the results were probably exactly what you'd predict.
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The study exposed 105 Alaskan salmon to both cocaine and benzoylecgonine — a metabolite created by the drug in the liver — and then tracked their movements.
And, surprise, the fish that took a couple bumps swam nearly two times farther per week and swam almost eight miles more than those who weren't exposed to the drugs.
Okay, I'm just going to say it because I know we are all thinking it, why the hell was this a scientific study?
I'm pretty sure I went to school with a guy who gave his goldfish cocaine, you could have just talked to that guy and saved yourself a lot of money. It was a private school in South Florida, the drugs were a little more bourgeois.
So, we haven't cured cancer yet, but we figured out that fish can swim longer when their rivers are turned into a Motley Crue concert bathroom from 1989?
Sick.
According to CBS, the study was spurred on by the findings that more and more of the drug is being introduced to our waterways, including a 2024 report that sharks off the coast of Brazil tested positive for both cocaine and benzoylecgonine (again, no surprise there).
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Even if that's the case, which is troubling, why waste your time studying the effects of the drug on fish.
I think we could have figured that out on our own.
The next time some loser tells me to "trust the science," I'm going to bring up the fact that scientists from not one, but TWO different countries needed to confirm that fish get more work done on coke.
We are truly living in the dumbest timeline imaginable.